Right now, I'm on a journey. In a way, I'm trying to find myself and it's proving to be incredibly difficult. Seriously. Just when I think I have it, the Universe says JUST KIDDING and throws a road block, or adds a fork in the road when previously there had only been one path.
I have so many things that I want to do, to accomplish. I recently discussed with my mom what each of our purposes are in this life, and although I know that having my son fills a huge part of "why am I here?" and will always be my most perfect and cherished accomplishment... there is something else... I don't know what it is, or when it will be, but I know in my soul that there is an event or action that I will be part of that will be of particular importance for our world. That may sound grandiose and perhaps egotistical. Anyone who knows me knows that I really don't have an inflated ego, and never put myself up on a pedestal... so I'm just relaying what my soul feels.
It is odd that my life now is so drastically different from what it used to be, even from the path that it was headed down just 10 years ago. When I was 17 I would have been mortified if someone told me that I would believe the way that I do now, and I would have denied it with fervor. However when I look back on those days and years I just see chains and sadness. All too often was I bound inside of a prison of marble and gold trim. My core essence muted. My mind in the midst of games and confusion that led me in circles. I let illusions and smoke control me, and although I tried so hard to be happy, I felt miserable. All the time. Something was off, and my heart and soul beckoned me to see the truth. I am being vague on purpose and am not yet prepared to explain the differences between this past and the present. Perhaps one day soon I will be.
This journey has led me to begin chipping away at my old self- the tame, meager young woman who had once been convinced that my role was only to obey, to bow my head and accept preconceived fates, to die to my passions. I've shed layers of empty words and pain to find that underneath is a wild, passionate, powerful woman of the Earth. Each day the feeling intensifies and becomes more clear. THIS is what my soul cried out for. It is who I am and who I am meant to be, and each day I'm growing happier and brighter for it. The light that was once dimmed is now subtly flickering with hope.
Spring is such a beautiful time of renewal, rebirth, and discovery. Love, desire, beauty, joy... it really is the perfect season. The other night during the Blood Moon eclipse, my husband and I sat outside with some wine and talked, gazing up at the peace and stillness. We lit a few candles and incense and let our intentions wonder up to the sky. Since then I've felt a stirring in my heart- this longing to become deeply reflective and mindful. I'm in the process of renewing and growing... it's such a blessing to be able to step back and look upon all of this with excitement and love. My life is not perfect, and in some ways not as I had envisioned it to be. But oh my goodness... it is so much better. I may not have a house of my own, or a degree (yet), or a really nice car, or lots of money... I don't have a lot of the big stuff. But I have love. I have friends. I have the opportunity to educate myself and a mind open enough to learn. I have a wonderful family. I have the two most wonderful guys in the world, who depend on me as much as I depend on them. If I never have the stuff, I will not regret a single thing. As long as I have what really matters... I will always be a happy, wild gal.